American Idol - What's the deal?

I'm going to take a break from my usual random writings to bring your attention to a matter of pressing concern to our nation.

American Idol.

I'm not sure how many of you watched last night. Probably only a few million. Well, I was one. And I came away seriously concerned. I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that AI has come to be one of the most trusted sources on television today. When something happens on AI, we can be confident it's the real deal. Right?

So when AI producers said they want contestants with more spunk this year, I'm sure they meant it. They didn't like how nice they were last year. You know, all those obnoxious things like thanking the judges for their criticism and encouraging the other contestants? Snoozeville. They want contestants that will argue with the judges. Maybe throw a few spit balls. They think it'll be better for ratings.

So it makes perfect sense that they would go to Utah. I'm sure it's not because they thought they could make fun of an entire state? Last year they had two Mormons. (Brooke and the little David, in case you're not up on the contestant's religious affiliations). Hands down, two of the sweetest and classiest kids ever. Also two of the absolute most boring if you go by AI standards. But from what I saw last night, they'll be starting out with at least a dozen kids just like that.

I'm sure the AI producers are devastated. Obviously they didn't know they'd find nice in Utah. Because they'd never say anything they didn't mean.

uh-huh.

And speaking of sweet, classy kids-What the heck does David Osmond need American Idol for? That kid is cute. I'm talking Osmond Cute. And he can sing. And when he sings and smiles at the same time--that's stuff little girl's dreams are made of. Seriously now, if Uncle Donny can't make him go places, who can? Uncle Donny doesn't just know people. He IS people.

But I'm sure there were no favors. I'm sure David Osmond just showed up like any other contestant. It's probably even a coincidence that it's the Osmond named DAVID. Cause if you can't trust AI, who can you trust?

Don't answer that.

Idol Buzz

The other day my friend called and asked if I followed American Idol last season, which of course we did. Every episode. Sometimes several times.

She then asked, sounding suspiciously like a game-show host, who I wanted to win.

"David Archuleta," I said quickly. Then thought about it. "But I really liked David Cook, so I was good either way."

You'll be happy to know that was the right answer. Not like the schmuck she'd called before me, who also claimed to be an Idol fan, but then didn't even know the contestant's names. She went on to explain that she had some tickets to the upcoming Idol concert that she couldn't use. And while she could have sold them, she and her husband were feeling generous, and wanted to find someone special to give them to. By special she meant someone who actually followed the show and would be excited to be there. Her final test was to listen to my kids screams when I told them. (Not really, she'd hung up by then, but they did scream, and I did call her back to tell her.)

So on Monday, off we went to the E-Center. And I am here to tell you that those kids have an impressive set of lungs. And I'm not talking about the contestants. The young Idols were amazing - great voices and stage presence. But the performance that stuck with me (and I mean that literally) was the audience. We knew we were in trouble when we climbed past a group of girls wearing "I Vote David Archuleta" t-shirts. By the end of the night, my family was crowded at the end of the aisle, pushing as far away from them as possible.

The show itself was great. Amazing. We clapped, we cheered, we laughed. Then it ended, and an even more amazing thing happened. Every person in the building turned into a chipmunk. And I'm not making this up. There was a big, brawny guy behind me, who said in a squeeky little high-pitched voice "The car's that way." My children talked the same way. "Go over there." "That way's too crowded." The chipmunks were everywhere.

For a split second, I thought it was a special-effects trick. Until I realized that my voice was fine. Then I thought maybe it was the beer fumes. I did eventually figure out that it's what happens when your ear drum is IMPLODING!

Fortunately, the chipmunk-voice-effect stopped when I left the building. Unfortunately, it was replaced by the sound of a million tropical birds singing inside my head. I dreamed that night that I was in Disney's Tiki Room and the two David's were singing to me, "In the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room, where the birds all sing and the flowers bloom." The other guests were screaming of course.

You'll be glad to know that most of the birds have left. I'm now down to just a couple of small robins.

And I have a strange urge to go to Disneyland.

Now if I can just find another kind, generous friend to send me there. Cause that was pretty sweet.

But if I do go, I'm packing my earplugs, just in case David shows up.