Mutant Corn

If there is one thing I know how to do well, it's kill plants. Inside, outside, wherever they are, I can kill them. My house plants all look like they're on life support, and my vegetable garden isn't much better. One year I planted three zucchini plants, and managed to come up with the same number of zucchinis. If you know anything about zucchini, you know how pathetic that is.

I'm pleased to report that my zucchini crop is doing well this year, but my corn crop is just down-right scary. The stalks are loaded with ears of corn. But they are only about 2 feet tall. That's the stalks, not the ears. I'm not making this up! If that weren't wierd enough, the little tuffs that grow out of the top of the stalks have corn kernels growing out of them. It's kind of freaky. But we did have some little corn cobs last night - they were slightly bigger than the pickled cobs that go in salads - and they seemed fine. I have no idea why those stalks are dwarfs - I'll be calling the experts tomorrow. I just hope they don't laugh at me. Or tell me not to eat the stuff.

Idol Buzz

The other day my friend called and asked if I followed American Idol last season, which of course we did. Every episode. Sometimes several times.

She then asked, sounding suspiciously like a game-show host, who I wanted to win.

"David Archuleta," I said quickly. Then thought about it. "But I really liked David Cook, so I was good either way."

You'll be happy to know that was the right answer. Not like the schmuck she'd called before me, who also claimed to be an Idol fan, but then didn't even know the contestant's names. She went on to explain that she had some tickets to the upcoming Idol concert that she couldn't use. And while she could have sold them, she and her husband were feeling generous, and wanted to find someone special to give them to. By special she meant someone who actually followed the show and would be excited to be there. Her final test was to listen to my kids screams when I told them. (Not really, she'd hung up by then, but they did scream, and I did call her back to tell her.)

So on Monday, off we went to the E-Center. And I am here to tell you that those kids have an impressive set of lungs. And I'm not talking about the contestants. The young Idols were amazing - great voices and stage presence. But the performance that stuck with me (and I mean that literally) was the audience. We knew we were in trouble when we climbed past a group of girls wearing "I Vote David Archuleta" t-shirts. By the end of the night, my family was crowded at the end of the aisle, pushing as far away from them as possible.

The show itself was great. Amazing. We clapped, we cheered, we laughed. Then it ended, and an even more amazing thing happened. Every person in the building turned into a chipmunk. And I'm not making this up. There was a big, brawny guy behind me, who said in a squeeky little high-pitched voice "The car's that way." My children talked the same way. "Go over there." "That way's too crowded." The chipmunks were everywhere.

For a split second, I thought it was a special-effects trick. Until I realized that my voice was fine. Then I thought maybe it was the beer fumes. I did eventually figure out that it's what happens when your ear drum is IMPLODING!

Fortunately, the chipmunk-voice-effect stopped when I left the building. Unfortunately, it was replaced by the sound of a million tropical birds singing inside my head. I dreamed that night that I was in Disney's Tiki Room and the two David's were singing to me, "In the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room, where the birds all sing and the flowers bloom." The other guests were screaming of course.

You'll be glad to know that most of the birds have left. I'm now down to just a couple of small robins.

And I have a strange urge to go to Disneyland.

Now if I can just find another kind, generous friend to send me there. Cause that was pretty sweet.

But if I do go, I'm packing my earplugs, just in case David shows up.

Just Make a Wish and Blow Already...

Wow, summer has gotten away from me, like it always does. One minute I'm wondering what I'll do with a house full of kids for three months, and the next I'm shopping for school clothes and wondering what I've been doing with my time.

Anyway, last week we traveled to Logan to celebrate my daughter's birthday, and I just had to blog about what happened. She gave me permission - as long as I didn't disclose her age. Not because she's embarrassed about growing older, but because, well, she's not three any more. I'll tell the story, then you'll understand.

After we sang Happy Birthday to her, being the wizened, mature girl that she is, she decided to liven things up by blowing...as...slowly...and gently...as...possible...to...see...how...long...it...could...take...to...blow...the candles...out...

She...leaned...closer....and...closer...

Her Dad called out, "Careful, you'll burn your lip!"

At that very moment, you guessed it, she yelled, "I burned my lip!"

Yes, it's true. On a birthday candle. She even had a little brown mark just above her lip.

I don't know if that's a first. Maybe there's an epidemic of burned birthday lips I've never heard about. I do know that it was classic Jen. So Happy Birthday Baby - I'm so glad you're around to keep us laughing for another year.